Archive | November, 2012

99 Reasons Why I Haven’t Updated the Blog

20 Nov

Did you guys know I have a blog? I totally do. It’s this blog. But I have been neglecting it for lots and lots and lots of good reasons.

1. Have you SEEN all the fun stuff on the internet? There’s this one site called “Facebook” that is just, like, a total time suck. Check it out. No! No! DON’T! Ha ha!

2. I had to get my face painted like this. It took all afternoon, y’all.

3. A dog ate my blog. Just joshing, we don’t have a dog. But the kids were off school for 3 days in a row because of a scheduled teacher work day, and 2 unscheduled SuperStormSandy days where we had to shelter in place from the windy drizzle. (Not that I wanted the storm to be bad here.) (But next time let’s stick a hand out the window before calling school off, k?)

4. Anyway, related to the kids being home, you may have noticed that I mostly blog about them, and I need them to be at school so I can write behind their backs like the two-faced Mommy Dearest I am.

5. I had to dress my family up in polyblend and parade around the neighborhood. I’m not crafty, but I will do my part to prop up our nation’s Halloween economy via Amazon and my VISA bill. And my mini-Butterfinger consumption.

6. I had to stare at my mini-Butterfinger-induced adult acne in the mirror in horror.

7. I had to commentate on the lady wrasslin’. No one would have known what was happening but for my descriptive powers and sparkling wit.

8. The kids were off school again some more for another teacher work day plus election day.

9. I had to stress out about the election. Do you guys know this site called “Twitter?” You can read a lot of rumors about the election on that site, plus get in fights with assholes you’ve never even laid eyes on! Time suck central, y’all!

10. I had to vote. Took, like, 40 minutes, longest wait ever. (Yay!)

11. My Live Arts kid drama class had their final performance, and in a last minute twist one of the kids dropped out, and I was FORCED to take her role so I had to learn 8 lines (I’M A STAR! FINALLY!) The kids in the class proved that if they could just stop sassing me and grab-assing around for long enough, they were actually quite able little performers. (Yayay!)

12. I had to endure the accusatory glares of my 15 unread New Yorkers. Sorry, New Yorkers, I’m very busy not blogging.

13. My husband is 6 months younger than I am, and he finally, as he finally does once a year, turned my age again, and I had to make him a meatloaf. Nothing says birthday like meatloaf.

14. I had to go out of the country. For five days. Without my family. It was hell.

15. OMG, we’re only on 15 reasons. Honestly this list could have comprised just one item: I find it too hard to blog and eat Butterfingers at the same time.

New Semi-Regular Feature: Unfiltered Children May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health

19 Nov

You know what, you mean little so-and-so’s? If you’re going to mouth off to me 24/7/365, I might as well get some blog posts out of it.


Me (in post-punishment Big Talk mode, offering long explanation of the afternoon’s events from my perspective, wrapping up strong with): “So I just don’t think that those are good ways to treat someone who loves you and wants to care for and help you. Are those the ways you treat someone you love?”

Child: “Those are the ways I treat someone I love half the time and hate half the time.”


Child: “Mom, what is ‘comfort food?’”

Me: “Well, it’s something soothing to eat, something that reminds you of being happy and at peace. Often it’s a favorite food from a person’s childhood.”

Child: “Oh. What do you think my comfort food will be?”

Me: “I don’t know. Anything tasty that reminds you of being cared for and loved.”

Child: “Because, no offense? I really like your cooking? But you aren’t the most comforting person. I’m just saying.”


Child: “Good morning, Mommy! You look… How do you feel?”


Me: “Oh, I missed you so much while I was away! Did you miss me, too?”

Child: “What is, like, a combination word of ‘yes’ and ‘no’? ‘Yo?’”


Child: “I can’t wait until one day when I have a fun phone that makes it easy to ignore MY children.”


My husband and I were recently both cast in a musical. We watched a recording of the musical as a family, so the kids would have an idea of what we’d be working on.

Child: “It’s funny how Daddy’s a prince, and you’re evil!”

Me: “Yeah! Haha.”

Child: “Daddy has a fun part! He has a lot of songs! He will have to work a lot on all his songs and fun parts! But Mom, you don’t have any songs, right?”

Me: “Well. Right.”

Child: “Like, no song you sing all by yourself.”

Me: “That’s right, yep.”

Child: “I mean, your part is almost not even a singing PART, right?”

Me: “Well, uh… I mean…”

Child: “Maybe Daddy would let you sing one of HIS songs!”


That’s it for this feature until next time, folks! Off to have a little afternoon tipple before the school bus arrives.


18 Nov

I’m not that sappy about parenthood in general (Regular Readers: “No shit!”), but kid artwork brings me to my knees. Here are some recent pieces I’ve found particularly inspiring.

I couldn’t capture this one that well with a camera phone, but it’s a long, incredibly detailed, extensively notated book about the Greek gods and goddesses inspired by reading The Lightning Thief by Percy Jackson.

This is a whimsical watercolor creature.

Just like “real” artists, I have found my kid artists go through phases. The picture below shows a new subtype of work from this kid–dense, colorful, very detailed. And using more than one medium (colored pencils, crayons, PUMPKIN STICKERS)!